WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump administration announced today that it will impose 25% tariffs on Brazilian imports in a bold effort to discourage Brazil from engaging in the suspicious practice of selling Americans stuff they actually want.

Officials claim the world’s 10th-largest economy is “unreasonably” allowing Americans to buy affordable goods, a tactic described in detail by the U.S. Department of Commerce as “brazenly meeting U.S. consumer demand without buying enough Monster Energy drinks in return.”

“It’s outrageous. How dare the Brazilians offer Americans cheaper coffee, steel, and delicious meat snacks,” said U.S. Trade Representative Marvin Plint, while holding a suspiciously Amazonian acai bowl. “We simply cannot continue purchasing things from them unless they agree to buy at least three billion more fun-sized Snickers bars.”

President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva called the move ‘indignant and spicy,’ but suggested it was actually the fault of Senator Flávio Bolsonaro, who recently visited Washington. “Every time someone in my country visits America, the price for bananas goes up 12% and Trump tweets something about pineapples,” Lula noted in an official statement.

Analysts agree the new tariffs are likely to have sweeping consequences. “This will probably encourage Americans to start growing coffee in Nebraska and making flip-flops in North Dakota,” predicted economist Linda Gorsky. “And God help us if Brazil retaliates by cutting off our supply of carnival feathers.”

At press time, White House officials were seen Googling ‘What does Brazil even import from us?’ for talking points at the next briefing.