WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an ongoing effort to ensure the integrity of democracy and prevent rogue kitchen appliances from swinging U.S. elections, Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard announced this week that her office had seized every voting machine in Puerto Rico. The request reportedly came from U.S. Attorney in Puerto Rico, Mariano Rivera-DelCredo, who has been actively seeking any sign that Venezuela’s Nicolás Maduro is controlling global politics via WiFi-enabled slot machines.

“We take all credible threats to the sanctity of elections seriously, including ones uncovered by late-night cable news and Reddit threads,” said Gabbard while reviewing a folder marked ‘Top Secret: Hugo Chávez’s Ghost’. “When we learned that Maduro might be using Puerto Rican voting machines to order Domino’s pizza and influence democracy, we had to act.”

The machines are currently being examined in a secure warehouse somewhere outside Topeka, guarded by federal agents and MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell. Lindell, who arrived with several duffel bags of ‘evidence,’ stated, “These machines were definitely communicating with Caracas, and possibly my neighbor’s smart fridge. I saw it myself in a dream.”

Rivera-DelCredo remains undeterred by skeptics. “If we don’t stop Venezuela now, there’s no telling who might win the next Congressional bake sale,” he warned. “Democracy runs on vigilance, and sometimes a dash of tinfoil.”

At press time, President Maduro was seen on Venezuelan state TV declaring, “I just want to know if Detroit’s absentee ballots can work my espresso machine.”