BRUSSELS—In a dramatic escalation of Britain’s ongoing game of post-Brexit hopscotch, top officials from Whitehall stunned EU representatives this week by proposing a new ‘Single Market for Goods (But Not People, Definitely Not People)’ arrangement—ideally on a part-time or ‘try-before-you-buy’ basis.

According to sources, Michael Ellam, the Cabinet Office’s preeminent ‘How About This?’ envoy, unveiled the plan over an impressive PowerPoint presentation that included at least three slides labeled ‘Hear Me Out.’ The proposal would reintegrate UK goods into the EU’s economic bloodstream, with the UK promising to supply the continent with its finest cheddar, surplus garden gnomes, and precisely 48 million packets of crisps.

EU diplomats, reportedly baffled yet delighted by the persistent creativity of UK negotiation techniques, quickly and unanimously rebuffed the offer. “We admire their spirit,” remarked EU Trade Commissioner Margarethe Juncker. “But you can’t just pop in and out of the single market like it’s a Tesco Metro.”

British officials remained undeterred, with UK Trade Envoy Sir Reginald Plonker stating, “We’re confident the EU will come around once they realize how much they’ve missed us trying to bend every rule. Frankly, we were hoping they’d throw in free roaming charges as well.”

Downing Street defended the plan, with a spokesperson clarifying, “We have always believed in flexible arrangements—just as we believe in getting back together with our ex for purely economic reasons.”

At press time, the UK government was spotted Googling ‘Can you get a refund on Brexit?’