LONDON—British officials announced Monday that the UK will abstain from President Donald Trump’s proposed blockade of the Strait of Hormuz, citing prior engagements and an unwillingness to participate in what memo writers described as “yet another seafaring group project with questionable learning outcomes.”

Despite President Trump’s claims on Fox News that “the UK and other good chaps are sending over all sorts of boats—minesweepers, party yachts, whatever,” British defense secretary Sir Nigel Butterworth clarified that any UK involvement would be restricted to offering tea and verbally supportive nods from a safe distance. “We shall not be participating in a blockade, but we wish the Americans the very best in their maritime adventures,” Butterworth said while leafing through a Royal Navy coloring book.

The UK’s refusal comes after Trump’s public insistence that “blockading the strait is just like building a wall, but wetter and with more boats,” a statement met with confusion by NATO allies and laughter by the Royal Society of Nautical Metaphors. A leaked WhatsApp message from EU foreign policy chief, Madeline Plonk, read: “We’ve all agreed to let Donald play Navy Commander for the afternoon, as long as he promises to give back the binoculars.”

Meanwhile, US Rear Admiral Chuck “The Wave” Buckerson assured reporters, “We’re perfectly capable of blockading the strait ourselves. Frankly, we already have three times as many ships as necessary, four if you count the Coast Guard’s paddle boat.”

As of press time, Downing Street had offered to send a box of digestive biscuits to support morale on any international naval flotilla, on the strict condition that Trump return the Queen’s ceremonial anchor he borrowed during the G7.