LONDON—In the latest round of the nation’s favorite political pastime, major party leaders gathered Thursday to see who could pull the highest number out of thin air regarding potential North Sea oil revenues, with Kemi Badenoch briefly in the lead after claiming an extra £2.5bn could be found “just lying around under the sea somewhere.”

Sir Ed Davey, desperate not to be outdone, countered by declaring that Badenoch was “just lying,” and proposed instead that the North Sea could be turned into a colossal wind-powered coin-operated casino, generating an estimated £300 trillion by 2026. “If we simply replace every oil rig with slot machines, Britain’s fiscal woes will end by teatime,” Davey insisted, while refusing to elaborate on regulatory or geological concerns.

Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer attempted to occupy the middle ground, promising “responsible exploration guided by a new Department for Unrealistic Economic Hopes.” “Look, if you multiply wishful thinking by prevailing wind direction, then adjust for optimism, the numbers basically write themselves,” Starmer told reporters. “Math doesn’t lie, unlike some people.”

Industry spokespeople have been quick to jump on the bandwagon, with Nigel Underhill, Chief Analyst at Offshore Speculators Ltd., noting, “Based on current government arithmetic, Britain will soon pay off the national debt, fund the NHS, and buy the Isle of Wight a solid gold helipad—just as soon as someone finds the offshore treasure chest.”

This blog is now closed as party leaders brainstorm more ways to extract limitless cash from ancient sea fossils, renewable optimism, and the gullibility of passing seagulls.