GENEVA – In a twist that surprised no one familiar with international diplomacy, today’s highly anticipated US-Iran peace talks in the tranquil Swiss village of Obbürgen were cancelled abruptly after both delegations were unable to locate Switzerland on a map, insiders confirmed. The impasse, described by organizers as “classic,” comes days after a much-hyped memorandum to reopen the Strait of Hormuz was signed in what officials now admit may have been an Olive Garden branch in New Jersey.

Iranian negotiators, citing Israeli airstrikes in Lebanon, claimed their last-minute decision to delay was rooted in principle. “We remain absolutely committed to peace, especially if it can happen somewhere with better WiFi and less fondue,” said Tehran’s chief delegate, Dr. Amir Javad, while consulting the Google Maps app on his phone. “Also, the idea of talking to Americans before brunch is deeply offensive to Iranian culture.”

US Vice-President J.D. Vance, addressing critics at a press conference held in a local Denny’s, admonished Israel for questioning America’s support. “If I were Israel, I’d consider sending us chocolates. Or at least stop slandering our Netflix recommendations,” Vance stated, adding, “We’re the only superpower left who still remembers your time zone.”

White House spokesperson Lacey Crump assured reporters that technical talks would begin “as soon as we find neutral ground both sides can agree on—possibly Canada, or a Chuck E. Cheese halfway across the Atlantic.”

Regional experts say the next round of negotiations will be scheduled once the 80 mines in the Strait of Hormuz have been converted into luxury timeshare condos, or after Keith Richards finishes his next tour, whichever comes first.