CANBERRA — Middle Australia erupted in polite applause this week as a new UBS wealth report revealed that, for the 14th consecutive year, ordinary citizens are rapidly losing financial ground while the number of millionaires multiplies faster than rabbits in the outback.

The report, which economists dubbed “The Great Redistribution (But Not For You),” found that Australia’s median wealth has tumbled nearly 7% since 2020. Meanwhile, more than 25,000 Australians were elevated to millionaire status last year alone, prompting the federal government to introduce the nation’s first ever “Middle Class Participation Certificate” for everyone earning less than $1 million a year. The certificate, printed on recycled mortgage applications, comes stapled to a coupon for a free sausage sizzle.

“It’s inspiring to watch so many Aussies get rich, even if it means my children will inherit nothing but avocado toast recipes,” said Brisbane teacher Fiona Ledger, clutching her Participation Certificate with pride. “I haven’t seen this much trickle-down since the neighbor’s pool burst.”

Treasurer Angus Moneypenny welcomed the surge in millionaires, telling reporters, “Every new millionaire is a testament to our thriving economy and totally not a sign of systemic issues. If you’re not rich yet, simply download our new ‘Wealth for Dummies’ app.”

Meanwhile, UBS analyst Karl Swizter explained, “The wealth divide is growing, but remember—every Australian has equal opportunity to buy a lottery ticket.”

The government is expected to commemorate the occasion next week by hosting a national game of Monopoly—winner takes all.