WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a decisive move to further streamline America’s legendary welcome mat, the U.S. State Department has suspended all immigrant visa applications nationwide until would-be arrivals can demonstrate they require nothing beyond the power of positive vibes. Under the new guidelines, applicants will not be allowed entry unless they can personally assure officials that they will never, under any circumstances, require any form of assistance—unless it’s the spiritual variety delivered from afar.

“We just want to make sure immigrants are familiar with the American tradition of being left to fend for themselves with absolutely no resources,” explained Deputy Secretary for Hospitality, Marion Pince, at a press conference staged in front of a locked embassy door. “From here on out, we’re accepting only those who can survive on bootstraps, grit, or at the very least, a really compelling GoFundMe.”

Interview appointments for thousands were abruptly canceled. Instead, applicants were sent digital packets containing YouTube links to motivational speeches by Tony Robbins and archived footage of Bear Grylls eating bugs. Prospective immigrant Rajesh Patel described his confusion: “One moment I’m asked for my birth certificate, the next I’m being tested on wilderness survival tactics and my ability to sleep in parking lots. I do wonder if I’m trying to emigrate or audition for an extreme reality show.”

State Department morale officer Linda Fleegis emphasized the vision: “Think of it as tough love. The kind of love that doesn’t know your name, address, or country of origin.” She then added, “We’re keeping the flame of the American Dream alive—just only for people who don’t need it.”