In a bold new pivot to championing suburban server farms, former President Donald Trump lambasted communities opposing local datacenter development, cautioning that resistance would result in a ‘nationwide resurgence in candlelight and poverty.’

Speaking in front of a half-finished Amazon datacenter outside Tulsa, Trump declared, “If you don’t want a five-story humming concrete box next door, you obviously hate progress, wifi, and probably freedom. You will only have yourselves to blame when your kids grow up churning butter.”

Local homeowner Phyllis Arbuckle of Reston, Virginia, voiced concerns about the looming construction. “I just don’t want my dog to start glowing in the dark,” she said, referencing widely circulated rumors that datacenters emit ‘technological radiation.’

Meanwhile, National Association of Server Enthusiasts (NASE) president Chip Watts applauded Trump’s stance, stating, “We believe America is ready for every home to have its own dedicated datacenter. The future is now, and it’s loud.”

Still, some remain unconvinced. Councilman Herb Mudgett of Peoria warned, “Our traffic is already terrible. Imagine adding daily parades of fiber optic cable trucks and 24/7 backup generator competitions. The only thing we’ll have more of than noise is irony.”

Despite three-quarters of Americans opposing datacenters next door, Trump assured voters, “In 10 years, datacenters will be more popular than golf courses—mark my words, folks.”