MONTGOMERY, AL—In a shocking blow to Alabama’s tireless efforts to maintain 100% execution efficiency, the U.S. Supreme Court this week declined to review the state’s bid to execute Joseph Clifton Smith, a man who has repeatedly listed ‘coloring’ under hobbies and, according to state documents, still struggles to remember his own zip code.

State Attorney General Steve Marshall expressed outrage at the decision, lamenting, “If the Constitution starts protecting every citizen who’s failed the third grade twice, what’s next? Banning executions for people who’ve ever lost at tic-tac-toe?”

Alabama corrections spokesperson Brenda Deets told reporters, “We had already prepared Joseph’s favorite meal of applesauce and alphabet soup. Frankly, we think it’s unfair for the Supreme Court to cancel at the last minute. Some of our staff even learned all the lyrics to ‘The Wheels on the Bus’ for his final request.”

Legal experts say the court’s unsigned, single-sentence order sets a troubling precedent for states seeking to execute intellectually disabled inmates. “We’re concerned this could open the door for people who believe in conspiracy theories or have ever purchased a ShamWow to evade the death penalty,” said constitutional scholar Chip Biggums.

At press time, Alabama officials were reportedly considering appeals to the court of public opinion, local Little League umpires, and the ghost of George Wallace.