In a move sure to spark heated debates at pubs and online forums worldwide, FIFA has released its official ranking of the top 10 World Cup players of all time, featuring legends Pelé, Diego Maradona, and, in a shocking twist, Phil Jenkins—the bloke from your Thursday night five-a-side team who once nutmegged Kevin from accounting.

“Pelé changed the game, Maradona inspired generations, and Phil… well, Phil brings the orange slices every week,” said FIFA spokesperson Lars Gutman, explaining the rigorous selection process, which reportedly involved one thousand hours of YouTube highlight reels and a brief, impromptu penalty shootout held in a Zurich parking lot.

Despite having never played professionally, Phil’s inclusion has been defended by members of the panel. “The way he shouts ‘Man on!’ really captures the spirit of the game,” said panelist and former referee Günter Lamprecht, adding, “Sure, he hasn’t won a World Cup, but he’s only 34, so there’s still time.”

Other surprising choices included Zinedine Zidane, Miroslav Klose, and Dave from the local pub, whose main qualification appears to be a tattoo of the 1998 France squad and the ability to down a pint in less than 27 seconds. When asked about the methodology, FIFA official Marta DiGiovanni stated, “We use the latest in football analytics, plus we draw names out of a hat between rounds of FIFA 23.”

Phil was unavailable for comment, as he reportedly pulled his hamstring while fetching the cones.