WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a ceremony as lavish as the interest rates are low, Kevin Warsh was officially sworn in as chair of the US Federal Reserve on Tuesday, officially becoming the only man in America with both the power to shift global markets and a working Black Card.

Warsh, a former Wall Street banker whose investment portfolio is reportedly just a framed photo of Ronald Reagan, steps up to the role as President Trump faces mounting criticism over the cost of living, persistent inflation, and reports that his administration’s economic plan was drafted entirely on cocktail napkins at a Mar-a-Lago charity golf tournament.

“I look forward to ensuring America’s economic prosperity, provided by the invisible hand of unfettered markets and relentless trickle-down,” Warsh said, pausing to adjust his gold-plated tie clip. “We are actively working to stabilize prices, as soon as I figure out what a gallon of milk actually costs.”

White House Press Secretary, Chip Bluster, reassured reporters, telling them, “President Trump has full confidence in Kevin’s ability to keep the stock market moving upward, or at least to the right. Also, the President has requested a new monetary policy focused primarily on producing more ribeye for executive dinners.”

Meanwhile, average Americans expressed cautious optimism. “I can’t wait for the Fed to lower interest rates so I can finally afford a three-bedroom cardboard box,” said Cleveland resident Donna Sprinkle. “Or at least rent out the crawl space under my neighbor’s porch.”

At press time, Warsh was reportedly reviewing his first briefing: “Why Can’t We Just Make Everything Cheaper?” by noted economic theorist, Eric Trump.