In a stunning escalation of retail enthusiasm, Amazon has unveiled its ‘Pre-Early-Pre-Prime Day Deals,’ designed for consumers who simply cannot wait for the actual, early, or even pre-early Prime Day festivities. Shoppers are now able to purchase discounts on future products, theoretical technologies, and select items that, according to sources, remain ‘loosely conceptual.’

Among the doorbusters: a $42.99 Baseus AM52 10,000mAh power bank, discounted from the theoretical price of $63.99 (Prime members, unfortunately, pay more). There’s also a lovely $136 Lego Van Gogh “Starry Night” kit, which experts claim ‘takes just as long to assemble as Van Gogh took to cut off his own ear.’

“We’re excited to offer savings on perfectly adequate products that you might never actually want,” said Amazon spokesperson Lara Algorithms, adding, “This is for our most impatient customers, who can’t bear to wait the 11 days until Prime Day, or the 5 days until Early Prime Day, or the 48 hours until we invent Ultra-Prime Day.”

New features include Amazon’s Ring Battery Doorbell Plus, which boasts 2K video, 6x zoom, and—if you pre-order today—a limited edition AI-powered Sense of Security, still in beta. Meanwhile, the Amazon Fire 7 Kids tablet, now at $64.99, is described in official materials as ‘a solid-enough slab of plastic your child can hurl down the stairs with impunity.’

“I love saving $15 on a $100 Newegg gift card so I can spend $4,000 on graphics cards that are never in stock,” said devoted deal hunter Blake Bargainson. “It’s the thrill of the hunt. And the despair of the availability.”

Amazon advises consumers to bookmark their deals page, as it will update every 17 seconds with new, aggressively mediocre offers. Plans are underway for a Pre-Post-Prime Day Clearance, pending approval from the International Bureau of Shopping Holidays.