In what scientists are hailing as a groundbreaking leap for leisure optimization, Americans this weekend can now simultaneously stream the Oscars on Hulu, track their declining pulse on a Pixel Watch 4, and churn existential despair into gelato with Ninja’s Creami—all for less than the cost of a single, tear-soaked Uber Eats milkshake.

Tech enthusiast Lyle Manzetti, who describes himself as a ‘professional consumer,’ is eager to take advantage of the deals. ‘By paying $4.99 for Disney Plus and Hulu, I can alternate between watching Oscar-nominated films I’ll never finish and reruns of Predator: Badlands,’ Manzetti explained, ‘all while my Pixel Watch 4 gently notifies me how little exercise I’m getting.’

‘If I stop watching streaming services, even for a moment, how will I know what to be angry about on Twitter?’ asked Amber Jeffries, local deal hunter and self-described ‘subscription completist,’ as she loaded a 256GB Mario-themed microSD card into her Nintendo Switch 2, just in case she ever started playing games again.

Google spokesperson Rowan Tapps assured users, ‘The new Pixel Watch 4 can now detect sedentary binge-watching posture and suggest personalized snacks based on your heart rate and sorrow levels.’

Meanwhile, Ninja Creami buyers are delighted by five preset buttons that promise ‘restaurant-quality’ desserts—without the looming threat of social interaction. ‘It’s like the future is here,’ said tech analyst Bertie Crull. ‘Now my binge eating, TV watching, and lack of physical movement are all directly supported by subscription deals.’

Insiders confirm next week’s deal will include a special offer on 4K Blu-rays, because physical media is cool and retro—just like existential dread.