WASHINGTON, D.C.—As diplomatic tensions reach a fever pitch over a seemingly endless list of trade grievances, Americans are now facing their gravest national crisis yet: a 50% tariff on Canadian toilet paper, threatening to plunge the nation into what experts have quickly dubbed the ‘Dry Wiping Era.’

President Kylie Griffith addressed the nation Thursday evening, urging calm. “Americans are resilient. Our forefathers didn’t fight at Valley Forge just to see us defeated by a northern bathroom embargo,” she said from the White House Rose Garden, standing next to a single roll of Quilted Northern encased in bulletproof glass.

Long lines have already formed outside Walmart and Costco, where shoppers were seen fistfighting over the few remaining 12-packs of Charmin Ultra Soft. “We’re rationing sheets at home,” admitted Austin Gribble of St. Louis, clutching a 4-pack like a newborn infant. “If this goes on, I’ll have to dip into my emergency collection of hotel napkins.”

Canadian PM Mark Carney defended the move, insisting that ‘soft power’ means more when it’s two-ply. “If the Americans want to feel the real sting of tariffs, let them try using New York Times print editions,” Carney said while touring Ontario pulp mills.

The Department of Health and Human Services has released a 37-page pamphlet titled ‘Alternative Wiping: A New Hope,’ warning citizens to ‘avoid poison ivy and sequins.’ Meanwhile, Wall Street analysts are closely watching Kleenex futures and citing ‘massive tissue volatility.’