Cupertino, CA – In a lawsuit that legal analysts are already calling “the Silicon Valley version of The Avengers: Civil War,” Apple has filed a trade secrets complaint against OpenAI. The suit alleges that OpenAI didn’t just poach more than 400 former Apple employees, but also appropriated confidential Apple blueprints, top-secret cafeteria recipes, and, disturbingly, the entire second verse of Apple’s official company song, “Think Different, Sing Louder.”

“It’s not just about code or technology. I’ve heard them humming our tunes in the OpenAI break room,” said Apple’s Senior Litigation Strategist, Miranda Troutwine, while holding up a MacBook containing evidence of pirated jingle lyrics. “Next they’ll be selling knockoff turtlenecks.”

Sources inside OpenAI, who requested anonymity but confirmed their résumés still list iCloud expertise, say the accusations are overblown. “Sure, we brought a little Cupertino culture with us, but my only trade secret is how to survive on just coffee and existential dread,” said OpenAI’s alleged Chief Acquisitions Officer, Brentley Drummond.

The timing of Apple’s lawsuit is being called “terrible” for OpenAI, as the company reportedly plans to IPO within weeks. Wall Street analysts speculate that if forced to return the 400 employees, OpenAI’s remaining workforce will only consist of Sam Altman, 3 interns, and ChatGPT itself, who reportedly “wants to focus on poetry now.”

Asked for comment, a legal advisor for Apple simply stated, “Our strategy is clear: If we can’t innovate, we litigate.”