WASHINGTON—In a landmark triumph for executive privacy, President Joe Biden secured a three-week injunction Wednesday blocking the release of audio recordings from Special Counsel Robert Hur’s classified documents investigation—tapes that White House officials say contain ‘sensitive information, such as the president’s ability to recite his own date of birth.’

The ruling was issued by Trump-appointed Judge Milton Wapner, who clarified that he was acting in the public interest and not, as some allege, because he is still waiting for someone to explain Bluetooth. “These tapes may contain high-level classified material, such as what Joe Biden had for lunch and which flavor of ice cream is his favorite,” Judge Wapner wrote in his decision. “The American public may not be ready for this level of transparency.”

White House Press Secretary Karla McMuffin hailed the ruling as a win for democracy. “Let’s be clear: releasing audio of the president speaking off the cuff would represent a grave and unprecedented threat to national morale and the price of Werther’s Originals,” McMuffin said at a press briefing, pausing only to adjust her novelty ‘Dark Brandon’ sunglasses.

Meanwhile, Republican critics denounced the decision as an obstruction of justice. “If you put a microphone in the Oval Office, the people deserve to hear every word, even the gentle humming,” said Rep. Randall Spigot (R-NV). “What is Joe Biden hiding? Is it the real nuclear codes, or just Ohio?”

At press time, sources close to the president confirmed that Biden remained ‘relieved and alert,’ stating, on the record, “We’re confident the only thing incriminating on those tapes is a lengthy discussion about Scranton’s best pancakes.”