WASHINGTON—According to explosive excerpts from Regime Change, the forthcoming tell-all by New York Times reporters Maggie Haberman and Jonathan Swan, former US Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent reportedly cautioned Donald Trump against hosting Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy in the Oval Office, citing concerns the Ukrainian leader could “turn the White House into a 24-hour slapstick festival on amphetamines.”

“Look, the man’s energy is only rivaled by a caffeinated ferret,” Bessent allegedly texted Trump’s chief of staff. “The last thing we need is him juggling nuclear codes while doing a Mr. Bean impression.”

Bessent went on to warn aides that Zelenskyy, whom he dubbed “Mr Bean on crack,” might replace the Resolute Desk with a trampoline or lead cabinet meetings featuring banana peels and water balloons. “Put him in the Roosevelt Room and he’ll have the Secret Service doing the conga,” Bessent insisted, according to sources close to the administration.

Others in the Trump White House reportedly took Bessent’s warning seriously. “We had to hide all whoopee cushions and fake vomit props just in case,” said fictional staffer Linda Guterman. “Everyone was worried Zelenskyy would crash the strategic talks by moonwalking into the Situation Room.”

Even the White House janitorial staff were on high alert, with head custodian Jerry Fickler noting, “If the guy starts miming invisible walls in the Rose Garden, I’m clocking out. We’re still finding rubber chickens from Boris Johnson’s last visit.”

At press time, Bessent was preparing a detailed list of other world leaders who, if invited, would require “mandatory sobriety checks and clown audits.”