WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprise ceremony Wednesday, the Biden Department of Justice was awarded the inaugural Nobel Prize in Weaponization for its ‘courageous and innovative’ application of federal law against anti-abortion activists.

The Nobel Committee cited the DOJ’s ‘groundbreaking use of statutes previously gathering dust, such as the FACE Act, to create legal hurricanes where there were previously only scattered showers of protest.’ Committee chair Inga Koppelsen praised Attorney General Merrick Garland for ‘inspiring bureaucrats everywhere to see laws as more than rules—they’re fully operational battle stations.’

“This isn’t just enforcement—it’s interpretative dance with handcuffs,” said DOJ spokesperson Paige Bastion, while demonstrating several interpretive moves involving a copy of the U.S. Code. “We’re trying to keep the law flexible, like a yoga instructor with a badge.”

Some conservatives have voiced concern over the recognition. Former Trump DOJ official Brock Stalwart commented, “In the Trump years, enforcing laws was about upholding order. Now, it’s about creative self-expression. I fear for the sanctity of our alphabet soup of statutes.”

Meanwhile, Chip Benedict, president of the Association of Potentially Prosecutable Protestors, said, “I’m just waiting for the DOJ to start citing the Magna Carta or the menu at Chipotle. At this point, no document is safe.”

White House officials said President Biden will accept the Nobel and donate the prize money to the National Archives’ paper shredder replacement fund.