In the latest escalation of the cross-border nomenclature conflict, Canada this week unveiled a 400-foot-tall LED billboard spelling out “Lake Ontario. Now, Then, Forever, Whether You Like It Or Not,” easily visible to passing satellites, astronauts, and confused migratory birds. The sign, equipped with maple leaf-shaped pyrotechnics and a polite but firm 24-hour automated apology for the inconvenience, stands squarely on Ontario’s shore, taunting its southern neighbor with relentless Canadian earnestness.

US President Donald Trump responded by live-streaming a video of himself flattening a cardboard cutout of the sign with a golf cart before crowning himself “Supreme Admiral Of Lake America” and launching a fleet of red-white-and-blue jet skis captained by former Apprentice contestants. “It’s always been Lake America—Canada’s just lucky to paddle on it,” Trump said while tossing a cheeseburger into the waves. “We’re making the lakes great again. Frankly, we’re making them huge.”

Ontario Premier Doug Ford described the sign as “a reasonable solution, given the circumstances,” and suggested the province was preparing backup options, including a holographic Tim Hortons cup large enough to blot out Buffalo. “We just want to remind Americans that they’re welcome to visit—after a brief, 72-step customs process,” Ford said, flanked by two Mounties and a man in a loon costume.

International observers have urged caution. “We’re closely monitoring for any sign of weaponized beaver activity,” said UN Lake Naming Envoy Susan Purell. “We are prepared to deploy emergency mediators with passports and dictionaries as needed.”

As of press time, Lake Erie was reportedly seeking asylum in Switzerland.