In an unexpected twist rivaling the plot of a low-budget true crime series, none of the 15,000 Australians who purchased tickets for Candace Owens’ now-canceled speaking tour will receive a refund, after the tour promoter Rocksman admitted to having ‘no clue tours cost money.’

According to documents later found in a bin outside Sydney’s Luna Park, Rocksman executives invested the entire ticket revenue—rumored to be over a million dollars—into authentic didgeridoos, rare vintage Vegemite jars, and a highly speculative NFT depicting a koala arguing with a kangaroo about climate change. Company spokesperson Trent Bumberg described the experience as ‘a valuable lesson in the importance of reading contracts before agreeing to host Americans.’

Conservative commentator Owens claimed she was misled about the entire operation. ‘I was told there would be crowds, venues, and possibly even someone to drive me on the left side of the road,’ she lamented via a hastily recorded Instagram Live from the baggage claim at Melbourne Airport. ‘Instead, I’m stuck with $500,000 in expenses and three crates of gently used Crocodile Dundee hats.’

Ticket holder Sheila McGibbons, who traveled four hours from Wagga Wagga for the event, was philosophical: ‘I guess we should have been suspicious when our tickets were printed on bar napkins. Live and learn, mate.’

Rocksman CEO Barry ‘Rocks’ Rockson said in a prepared statement, ‘We deeply regret this outcome, but on a positive note, our office now boasts the world’s largest Gum Tree-scented candle collection. That’s gotta count for something.’

The Australian Competition and Consumer Commission responded, ‘We recommend concerned customers try yelling into the void, as that appears to be the only available recourse at this point.’