With the cost of oil soaring and global markets approaching what experts are calling “the danger zone,” Americans and other global citizens are reportedly bracing for the unspeakable: the possibility of not being able to floor it in their 7,000-pound SUVs just to buy gum at the corner store.

As tensions between the US and Iran reached a fever pitch, leading to a midsummer closure of the Strait of Hormuz and the $100 barrel, economists warned that the familiar cycle of inflation, shortages, and recessions could soon be replaced by even more alarming scenarios—like walking somewhere. “If the price goes up any further, I may have to combine my two weekly errands into one trip,” lamented Houston resident Bud McGillicuddy, speaking from the leather-seat comfort of his idling Ford Expedition. “That’s not the America my truck was built for.”

“We’re on the cusp of a truly apocalyptic era, where people might value things like carpooling or public transport,” said Dr. Maureen Arquette, Senior Fellow at the Institute for Petroleum Dependency. “If this US-Iran deal doesn’t materialize, I see a dark future filled with bikes, shoes, and—God forbid—rollerblades.”

Oil executive Rex Biggums of Absolutely Normal Energy echoed industry concern, declaring, “Should prices go any higher, consumers may start asking what oil even is, which is the kind of dangerous curiosity that destabilizes entire economies.”

Meanwhile, President Biden assured Americans in a press conference that negotiations with Iran are proceeding at “the brisk pace of a 1992 minivan merging onto the interstate during rush hour,” and that relief is coming soon—ideally before anyone actually reads the public transportation schedule.