BEIJING — In a move sending shockwaves through financial institutions and bubble tea shops alike, China’s GDP grew at a catastrophically slow rate of 4.3% last quarter, threatening the nation’s ability to maintain its rigorous pace of building 30 high-speed rail lines before breakfast.

Officials from the National Bureau of Statistics urged the public to remain calm, assuring citizens that “we still technically have more money than literally everywhere else, but the situation has become slightly less ludicrous.” Couching the news in comforting terms, Sheng Zhihao, Deputy Minister of Economic Reassurance, explained, “Our growth may be 0.2% below target, but we’re confident that with enough new residential towers, we can house every single vacant apartment in the world.”

International investors reacted with measured panic. “I’m only investing in economies with at least 8% growth per quarter. How am I supposed to buy a third yacht with these numbers?” lamented Gregor Billingsworth, a hedge fund manager who recently sold all his holdings to purchase vintage Beanie Babies.

Meanwhile, middle-class consumers expressed deep concern over the future. “With growth this slow, I might have to buy my next iPhone one day later than normal,” said Liu Xiaomei, 29, sipping her third nitro matcha latte of the morning. “This is not the China I grew up with.”

The government is reportedly considering ‘emergency measures,’ including offering cash prizes to anyone who buys more than ten pairs of sneakers in a single transaction.