BOGOTÁ, COLOMBIA—In a bold move to finally address what many call ‘Colombia’s favorite post-match tradition,’ the Colombian Soccer Federation (FCF) has officially called for an attorney general investigation after star player Jaminton Campaz received death threats, reportedly for having ‘disappointingly human levels of performance’ at the World Cup.

The FCF released a statement reminding fans that while passionate disappointment and irrational rage are essential parts of the nation’s football culture, threatening a player’s life should really be saved for after a proper tournament run. ‘Our analysis indicates there’s no need to begin threatening until, at minimum, a semi-final,’ said FCF spokesperson Ricardo “El Sanción” Mendoza, pointing to a new 92-slide PowerPoint titled “Angry Mob Etiquette: A Guide for Supporters.”

‘We urge all passionate Colombians to remember their manners,’ said local fan Sergio Tristeza, polishing his pitchfork. ‘If we don’t wait until the second-leg decider, we risk running out of outrage before penalties.’

In an unprecedented show of unity, Colombian sports radio host Lucho Pasión also weighed in, saying, ‘How will our players ever learn from their mistakes if they’re petrified before matchday 3? Reserve the threats for when it really counts: extra time.’

The Federation is reportedly considering further reforms, including a ‘Three Strikes, Then Outrage’ policy and mandatory group therapy for anyone who spells Campaz with a “z.”

President Gustavo Petro has yet to comment, but insiders report he has calmly asked citizens, ‘Por favor, let’s just boo them like a normal country.’