Bogotá—In a historic upset that left pollsters and caffeine enthusiasts reeling, Colombia’s far-right presidential candidate Abelardo de la Espriella, a lawyer and certified Donald Trump memorabilia collector, clinched the first round of voting Sunday by confidently vowing to ‘build a wall around bad ideas.’

Espriella, who recently described himself as ‘the caffeine shot Colombia needs at 3 am,’ secured a robust 43.7% of the vote. His closest competitor, leftwing philosopher and human rights enthusiast Iván Cepeda—described by critics as ‘dangerously polite’—trails with just 40.9% and a suspiciously perfect circle of friends on LinkedIn.

‘Finally, a leader who won’t let communist beans infiltrate our coffee supply,’ cheered María Fernanda, a local barista and newly self-appointed Deputy Minister of Froth. ‘I can sleep at night knowing someone will protect the sacred bean.’

When asked about policy specifics, De la Espriella clarified, ‘My first executive order will require all citizens to wear red ties and say ‘tremendous’ before every sentence. It worked elsewhere.’ Advisors have confirmed an ambitious plan to replace all ceasefire negotiations with televised arm-wrestling matches and a nationwide contest to find the next First Lady.

Supporters remain optimistic about the runoff. ‘We look forward to a country of law, order, and incredible hair,’ explained campaign strategist Diego Bustamante, stroking a gold-plated comb. Meanwhile, Cepeda maintains hope, promising to respond with ‘thoughtful counter-essays and possibly a folk album.’

As Colombia braces for the runoff, experts predict a heated debate—followed, presumably, by an even hotter cup of coffee.