BOGOTÁ—In a stunning upset that left coffee growers and empanada vendors questioning their life choices, Colombia’s far-right presidential candidate and certified Trump memorabilia collector Abelardo de la Espriella surged ahead in the first round of voting, earning 43.7% of the tally. The lawyer, whose campaign slogan “Let’s Make Colombia Great For Me Again” resonated with millions, will square off against left-wing human rights philosopher Iván Cepeda in what experts are already calling “the world’s spiciest runoff.”

De la Espriella, best known for defending clients who prefer their human rights optional, attributed his meteoric rise to his promise to “build an even bigger wall than the one in Tijuana, but around my swimming pool.” At his victory rally, supporters donned matching ‘Keep Colombia Pure (And Also My Hair)’ hats while chanting, “Lock Her Up!”—though nobody was entirely sure who ‘her’ was. “Colombians just want a strong leader—one who’s not afraid to tweet at 3 a.m. or use hair gel in tropical climates,” said campaign spokesman and part-time reggaeton DJ, Esteban Vela.

Meanwhile, Cepeda’s camp appeared nonplussed. “We respect democracy, even when our opponents seem inspired by late-night cable news,” mused Cepeda’s running mate, Juanita Humanidad. “We’re not worried, unless De la Espriella starts promising free Wi-Fi and unlimited empanadas, in which case, we’re screwed.”

Political analyst Camilo ‘El Analyzer’ Gutierrez summed it up: “Colombians have a choice—philosophical idealism, or reality TV governance. Tune in next week for the season finale.”