WASHINGTON, D.C. — The halls of Congress echoed with the unmistakable sound of performative weeping Wednesday as lawmakers coped with the sudden passing of Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), 71, whose absence has left a void not even 600 cable news panels can fill.

As politicians vied for the most heartfelt tribute, Speaker Mike Johnson solemnly declared a national, bipartisan moment of interpretive Senate floor silence. “We ask Americans to pause their Netflix streams at 6:30 p.m. and think about Lindsey’s legacy of…something,” Johnson told reporters. Meanwhile, Congressional interns flooded Capitol Starbucks outposts to secure venti lattes for the makeshift Graham memorial, resulting in the Great Mocha Shortage of 2024.

With Graham’s South Carolina seat now vacant, Governor Henry McMaster announced plans to launch a nation-wide, American Idol-style competition to select a replacement. “Anyone with a pulse, a deep affinity for military spending, and a closet full of seersucker suits may apply,” McMaster confirmed, adding, “bonus points if you can switch political stances in under 30 seconds.”

Former President Donald Trump, reportedly mulling the situation from his golf cart, commented, “Nobody loved me more than Lindsey—nobody. Except maybe Lindsey himself, but that’s up for debate.”

Brooke Whittaker, head of the National Association of Professional Mourners, praised the Congressional response: “I haven’t seen this much coordinated faux grief since McCarthy lost the gavel.”

The special primary election is expected to draw a record number of applicants, provided they can navigate the rigorous vetting process—consisting primarily of tweeting praise for boiled peanuts and demonstrating a working knowledge of filibuster obstruction.