CANNES, FRANCE — The global economy collapsed into a puddle of spon-con this week as United Talent Agency’s Creators Division announced that digital influencers are now responsible for 85% of all economic activity, up from 73% last quarter. The announcement was made during a panel discussion at Cannes Lions, attended exclusively by people who also have their own merch drops.

“We’ve entered a golden era,” declared UTA Co-Head Ali Berman, nervously applying a sponsored face mask mid-interview. “Everyone is both a marketer and a consumer. Frankly, we’ve replaced GDP calculations with follower counts and engagement rates. The IMF now accepts TikToks as collateral.”

Raina Penchansky, Co-Head CEO of DBA, explained the new model. “The old Hollywood business was flawed. Too many accountants, not enough hype houses. Now, creators have the freedom to run million-dollar businesses from their mom’s Wi-Fi. We just take 10%—unless their video goes viral, then we take their AirPods.”

Industry analyst Trevor Millennial, who earns six figures live-reacting to supermarket receipts, added: “Traditional advertising is dead. The future is live-streaming yourself taste-testing NFTs while launching an energy drink with your own face on it. Brands who refuse will be forced to watch three hours of AI-generated mukbang content as penance.”

Asked about the rise of AI content, Berman was unfazed: “We love AI. It lets creators post 24/7 without sleeping. In our world, even the bots have agents now.”

At press time, the World Bank confirmed that the most stable currency is now the Alix Earle X Poppi discount code.