In a dramatic turn of events, Democrats across Maine have thrown their collective weight behind Graham Platner, a man most voters agree they had never met, seen, or even Googled prior to Tuesday night. Platner, who recently won the Democratic Senate primary, captivated supporters with his promise to “do literally anything Blue,” according to his campaign literature painstakingly stapled to several telephone poles in Bangor.

“We are so excited about, um, Graham—did I say that right? Graham Platner?—and everything he stands for, which I’m pretty sure involves climate change and big lakes,” enthused enthusiastic party volunteer, Marjorie Klempt, while frantically refreshing Platner’s Wikipedia page for talking points. “His speech was inspiring. I mean, he mentioned lobsters, and that really speaks to Maine values.”

Meanwhile, the Republican Party made headlines of its own when former President Donald Trump supported the defeat of a candidate rumored to have once mentioned the phrase ‘Jeffrey Epstein’ in a non-conspiratorial tone. “We will not tolerate any attempts to disclose what the American people shouldn’t remember,” said GOP operative Chad Remington between retweets of Trump’s Truth Social memes. “Donald Trump’s grip on the party is as tight as his handshake with Vladimir Putin.”

Political analysts were quick to interpret the primary outcomes as “entirely ambiguous, but with lots of feelings.” As Maine voter Ron Beasely summed up the election mood: “I just pick whichever name I recognize from yard signs. This year, it happened to be Platner, and I stand by that. Or sit, depending on how November goes.”