WASHINGTON, DC — In a move hailed by some as ‘bold leadership’ and by others as ‘whatever the opposite of leadership is,’ Acting DHS Secretary Ray Thorngood announced Tuesday the formation of an “Election Obedience Task Force.” The new agency will be charged with monitoring states for signs of willful independence, mild skepticism, or dangerous adherence to basic constitutional processes.

“If states don’t fulfill the president’s every electoral desire, they can expect consequences,” Thorngood warned at an emergency press conference, flanked by eight unsmiling officials holding up copies of The Art of the Deal. “Our democracy depends on everyone agreeing with whatever the president tweets at 3 a.m. about voting procedures.”

The announcement follows President Trump’s widely panned speech Thursday, in which he insisted—to rapt applause from his own reflection—that China, Peru, and possibly the ghost of Abraham Lincoln were all engaged in a coordinated conspiracy to make him feel bad about losing in 2020. He later claimed on Truth Social that his speech received “better reviews than Hamilton.”

“I do my own research, and my research tells me that states are thinking about disobeying the president’s orders because George Washington’s spirit told them to,” explained Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin, holding a signed copy of The Federalist Papers and a Magic 8 Ball.

Democratic leaders responded by accusing the administration of “trying to rig the midterms in advance,” though Thorngood dismissed these claims: “We’re not rigging the midterms. It’s just a little pre-emptive democracy enhancement.”

As of press time, the new task force had begun screening state governors for signs of ‘dangerous, independent thought,’ which, according to sources, can include reading the Constitution or asking questions.