WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark speech Thursday night, President Donald Trump assured the nation that he will not rest until all efforts to undermine American elections are successfully carried out by him and him alone.

“If anyone is going to rig these midterms, folks, it’s going to be me, your favorite president,” Trump declared to a crowd of supporters waving banners reading ‘Stop The Steal (But Only If We Lose).’ He then proceeded to unveil a PowerPoint presentation marked ‘100% NOT FRAUD,’ featuring a graph that experts later confirmed was a screenshot of Candy Crush.

Critics immediately expressed concern that Trump’s renewed allegations of Chinese interference in 2020 were simply laying the groundwork for him to undermine the upcoming elections. “We are extremely alarmed,” said Gloria Hickenlooper, president of the National League for Electoral Panic. “Historically, groundwork is only laid by those intending to plant something questionable. And let’s be honest, President Trump brought a whole dump truck of manure.”

White House Press Secretary Ronny Bigley dismissed fears, stating, “The President is merely safeguarding democracy by preparing to catch fraud in the act—by committing it himself, to test the system. It’s a genius approach, like hiring a burglar to test your alarm.”

Meanwhile, Republican strategist Tucker Green added, “If we don’t question every result, how will we ever know when we win?”

As America braces for the midterms, all eyes are on Trump—specifically, to see which election rule he’ll challenge next, and whether he’ll be hosting the results from a golf cart in Mar-a-Lago.