FRANKFURT — Citing a subtle shift in the direction of Middle Eastern breezes, the European Central Bank announced Thursday that it has courageously raised its main deposit rate to 2.25%, the first increase since 2023. The move comes as part of a bold strategy to combat inflation allegedly caused by “that situation with Iran everyone’s been hearing about on the news.”

“We detected a 0.3 degree uptick in the Frankfurt air temperature after reading headlines about the Iran war, so clearly it was time to panic,” said ECB President Christine Legarde while nervously checking the wind forecast app on her phone. “It’s standard economic theory that any rumbling in the Persian Gulf instantly doubles the price of yoghurts in Bavaria.”

Economists have praised the ECB for acting decisively in the face of such ambiguous stimuli. “Traditionally, central banks would wait for something tangible like oil price hikes or actual data,” said Wolfgang Spitzermann, Professor of Guesswork at the University of Dusseldorf. “But why risk it? If the mere thought of a war can move the markets, why not move rates as well?”

Some European citizens remain puzzled. “I thought the price of things went up because my landlord bought a Tesla,” said Anna Smit, a Rotterdam cafeteria worker. “But it’s good to know the ECB has a handle on global air currents.”

The ECB signaled that at least two more rate hikes will follow by next spring, or sooner if a member state sneezes in the direction of the Middle East.