WASHINGTON—In a landmark escalation of international property acquisition strategy, former President Donald Trump announced Thursday night his intention to seize Iran’s Kharg Island, vowing to hit the region “VERY HARD, TONIGHT” and promising to “make it way better, folks, believe me.”

“Kharg Island, frankly, never heard of it before, but I’m told it’s tremendous for oil exports,” Trump declaimed on Truth Social, adding that he had already called a “top guy in real estate” about installing gold escalators along the docks. “We’re going to take that island. The best island. Iran’s going to miss it, but not as much as they think. Probably won’t even notice.”

White House officials rushed to clarify that Trump does not currently possess military authority, but acknowledged that the former president does possess a collection of Risk game boards and “a real can-do attitude.” National Security Advisor Skip Banterson explained, “We’re unsure where Mr. Trump is directing these strikes from, though Mar-a-Lago’s Wi-Fi seems unusually active. The Pentagon is monitoring the situation on Google Maps.”

In Tehran, Iranian Foreign Minister Hossein Jalali responded in a televised address, “We do not negotiate with contestants of reality television,” before announcing a counter-campaign to annex Mar-a-Lago. Meanwhile, sources close to Trump’s team claimed the ex-president had already begun collecting sand samples, “just in case the casinos need to open quickly.”

Military analysts remain confounded but cautiously optimistic, with retired General Linda Pickles observing, “It’s not the traditional approach to international conflict, but with Trump, tradition is the first casualty.”