In a bold move to keep the World Cup relevant among Gen Z audiences, FIFA has announced that the quarterfinals brackets will be determined via a series of TikTok dance-offs, rather than on-field performance, sending shockwaves through the world of international football and mildly inconveniencing several team travel schedules.

According to FIFA Spokesperson Yolanda Froth, the decision was made after discovering that most fans under 25 couldn’t distinguish between a 4-4-2 formation and a viral Fortnite emote. “We looked at the metrics and realized highlights with dab dances got 37 million more views than actual goals, so this felt natural,” said Froth, pausing to adjust her ring light.

Teams are scrambling to update their tactics. France has hired three influencers and replaced Olivier Giroud with a hologram of Charli D’Amelio, while Norway’s Erling Haaland was last seen practicing the ‘Wednesday Addams’ dance with a focus that made coaches weep. Unfortunately, Belgium was eliminated in a pre-qualifying round after Kevin De Bruyne failed to floss without spraining both of his hamstrings. “We gave it our best shot, but our choreography just didn’t slap,” said Belgium manager Thijs van der Dribble, adding, “Hazard’s moonwalk was an international incident.”

Football purists are voicing concerns. “This is a betrayal of the beautiful game and the sacred tradition of flopping theatrically,” complained England fan Cecil Scone, while FIFA officials urge fans to tune in for the live bracket reveal on Twitch, sponsored by Mountain Dew.

Quarterfinal previews will now include analysis from professional TikTok react channels, with Argentina’s chances rated as ‘very vibey’ by experts.