BEREKUM, GHANA—After Sunday’s match between Berekum Chelsea and Samartex ended in what experts are diplomatically calling “an unscheduled and high-velocity fan interaction,” Ghanaian Premier League officials are urgently debating updates to team travel policies, including the addition of armored tanks, missile countermeasures, and tactical air support.

Eyewitnesses report that the Berekum Chelsea team bus was halted by six masked men wielding assault rifles, who reportedly mistook the vehicle for a rival team’s money truck, a common confusion during league away games. “Honestly, I just wanted an autograph. The AK-47 was for emphasis,” explained one remorseful highway enthusiast, known locally as ‘Friendly Kwame.’

In response, the Ghana Football Association released a heartfelt statement: “While we mourn Dominic Frimpong, we also celebrate our league as Africa’s only full-contact sport both on and off the pitch.” Premier League Safety Director, Comfort Abebrese, reassured fans, “Rest assured, next season all teams will receive bulletproof windows and a complimentary set of night vision goggles.”

Players are taking preparations into their own hands. “Last week we practiced corner kicks; this week it’s evasive driving and camouflage techniques,” said midfielder Yaw Mensah. “Next up: learning how to hotwire a getaway helicopter.”

Meanwhile, Berekum Chelsea has started a GoFundMe titled ‘PPE For The EPL: Personal Protection Equipment for Every Player League,’ with stretch goals including portable moats and a crocodile pit for team buses.