In a historic show of unity, governments around the globe have finally drawn a line in the digital sand, declaring that no child should be allowed to spiral into existential dread via TikTok until the age of 16. The UK joined the international movement this week, setting a new minimum age for major platforms and ensuring that emotional meltdowns triggered by group chats are legally restricted to older, more mature adolescents who can fully appreciate them.

“We felt it unfair that our nation’s 13-year-olds still had the constant buzzing horror of notifications,” explained Lord Reginald Piffle, Undersecretary for Unsolicited Parental Wisdom. “Our teens deserve the right to experience identity crises the old-fashioned way: alone, in their bedrooms, thinking about algebra.”

The latest regulation follows Australia’s bold decision last year to liberate its youth from the life-altering dangers of memes. Tech giants have responded by launching an aggressive campaign called ‘Access for All: Because 15-Year-Olds Need Opinions on NFT Scams Too.’

Meta spokesperson Ashley McAlgorithm warned of dire consequences: “If we make kids wait until 16, how will they ever learn to spot catfishing, or develop that healthy suspicion of every message from ‘RayBanDeals888?’ Are we not depriving them of essential modern skills?”

Meanwhile, TikTok influencer Daisy SparkleZ (age 12) issued a tearful statement to her 2.3 million followers: “If I can’t post my dance routines, how will my brand survive? Do you know how hard it is to go viral on LinkedIn?”

Industry insiders now await the outcome of Google’s $90 million lobbying effort to have ‘age’ legally redefined as ‘a strong WiFi signal.’