MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—In a bold move destined to redefine how machines misunderstand humans, Google reportedly hired the CEO and top engineer of Hume AI, a startup specializing in giving voice assistants the uncanny power to detect human emotion, company insiders confirmed Wednesday. The multi-million-dollar, top-secret acquisition was quietly announced in the breakroom with an underwhelming round of applause and six leftover doughnuts.

“We’re thrilled to see Google Assistant maybe eventually understand why I sometimes scream ‘Set alarm for 6 a.m.’ with tears streaming down my face,” said fictional tech blogger Keisha Drake, who regularly tests the emotional boundaries of her smart speaker. “If it can finally get that ‘Play something upbeat’ doesn’t mean five hours of Gregorian chants, I’ll consider it a win.”

According to sources, Google’s AI division spearheaded the deal after realizing that voice-activated technology, while convenient, remains deeply confused by common human emotions like fatigue, existential dread, and sarcasm. “We are entering an era where our devices can not only ignore you, but ignore you with empathy,” said Doktor Jonny Sincere, Google’s newly minted VP of Vocal Vibes.

Hume AI CEO Dr. Alan Sadler, who will now oversee Project Deep Feels, assured reporters that his proprietary system could make Google Assistant 73% better at identifying the precise moments users are about to break down mid-command. “Soon, Google will not only play your breakup playlist, but also offer passive-aggressive life advice,” Sadler promised.

When reached for comment, Siri simply replied, “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch your feelings. Can you repeat that in a monotone?”