SPRINGFIELD, IL—In a bold move to capture untapped revenue sources, Illinois lawmakers this week unveiled their groundbreaking ‘Psychic Tax,’ a mandatory 15% levy on anyone who claims to predict the outcome of anything—including the weather, local bake-offs, and the next person to text in the group chat.

The tax, which notably targets prediction market app Kalshi, aims to ensure that the government receives its fair share of any speculative wisdom. ‘For too long, Illinoisans have been making wild guesses about sports and politics without paying their dues,’ said State Revenue Commissioner Cheryl Forepaugh. ‘If you claim the Cubs will win, that’s basically income.’

Kalshi, now suing the state, denounced the tax as an assault on free enterprise and basic human optimism. ‘If you can tax my belief that the Bears might someday be good, what’s next? Charging me for every time I hope my kids remember to call?’ asked Kalshi CEO Oumar Farooq from inside a crystal ball-shaped conference room.

Not everyone is opposed. Local psychic Shonda “Madame Destiny” Brinley welcomed the move: ‘I’ve been giving the state 10% of all my predictions for years, just in case,’ she said. ‘Glad to see these tech bros are catching up.’

Meanwhile, the Department of Revenue confirmed that betting on ‘whether Springfield will finally fix the potholes on Main Street’ will also be subject to the new tax. ‘We’re considering a surcharge for optimism over 25%,’ teased Forepaugh. ‘After all, hope is a luxury commodity.’