In a move described as “desperate” by Iran’s foreign minister and “refreshingly original” by the Thesaurus Society of North America, the United States announced a glittering new round of economic sanctions designed to finally, truly, definitely crumble Iran’s economy this time.

Iranian Foreign Minister Abbas Araghchi, who has received a lifetime supply of anti-sanction rhetoric, dismissed the new measures with his trademark flair. “The United States is running out of words and sanctions,” he said at a press conference where he also unveiled a bingo card of past US threats. “Next, they’ll sanction our ability to even feel despair.”

President Masoud Pezeshkian admitted that Iranian citizens face “many problems,” including sky-high inflation, unaffordable bread, and an insatiable black market for reasonably priced Taylor Swift bootlegs. “The people are resilient,” Pezeshkian said. “Yes, we have many problems, but thankfully, none caused by our own leadership.”

US Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, speaking from the newly renamed Office of Maximum Crippling Economic Ruin, promised that these would be “the most incomprehensibly devastating, ultra-extreme, double-secret-probation sanctions in the history of money.”

International observers expressed skepticism. UN economic analyst Helen Yards commented, “At this point, we’re expecting the US to start sanctioning Iran’s weather patterns or possibly their national sense of humor.” She added, “Frankly, we’re excited to see what they come up with next.”