In a triumphant memo circulated Monday morning, Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav announced that the studio’s record-breaking Oscar night constituted “the single greatest achievement in the history of human storytelling—and possibly, civilization itself.”

The studio’s two critical darlings, “One Battle After Another” and “Sinners,” swept the awards, nabbing 11 gold statues and, according to Zaslav, confirming Warner Bros. Discovery as “the only company that has ever truly understood cinema.” Zaslav’s memo, stamped with a moving clip art Oscar statuette and 14 exclamation points, went on: “We have proven that with enough relentless marketing and vaguely medieval costumes, we can and will dominate the minds and hearts of the Academy and everyone else with a TV.”

Sources say the internal announcement included a directive for all staff to refer to each other as “award-winning team members” and to replace standard greetings with “Oscar greetings” until further notice. “I haven’t seen the movie yet, but I’m pretty sure this is the most important thing that’s ever happened to me,” said junior accounts assistant Riley Mendes as she attempted to stream a bootleg of “Sinners” during her lunch break.

“This is what dreams are made of,” remarked Warner Bros. janitorial supervisor Tony Vargas. “I feel honored to mop the floors where these Oscar-winning producers have spilled their cold brew.”

Zaslav concluded his historic memo with an impassioned call to arms: “Let this remind us that if we keep making movies about morally ambiguous guys in armor, there’s literally nothing we can’t achieve.”