A federal judge in Virginia has taken the unprecedented step of demanding that members of the Trump administration ‘pinky-swear, under penalty of perjury,’ that their controversial $1.8 billion ‘anti-weaponization’ fund is, in fact, no longer a thing that exists, plans to exist, or is currently hiding in the White House couch cushions.

Judge Leonie Brinkema, apparently unconvinced by the administration’s statements that the fund is ‘dead,’ noted in her ruling, “They told us it was dead last Tuesday, but then three separate officials said, ‘It’s not dead—just sleeping’ on Fox & Friends.” She added, “If it’s really dead, I expect a signed affidavit, a notarized eulogy, and a small funeral, ideally with at least one cabinet member weeping on C-SPAN.”

Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche expressed confidence that creative accounting would solve the issue. “If we just relabel it as the ‘Unicorn Empowerment Fund,’ no one will ask questions,” Blanche explained, drawing a chart labeled ‘Definitely Not a Slush Fund’ for reporters. Meanwhile, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent sent assurances via TRUTH Social, stating, “We have repurposed the money for border wall topiary and Supreme Court justices’ vacation fundraisers.”

Reached for comment, Mar-A-Lago spokesperson Tiffany Crump insisted, “The fund is as gone as Donald’s college degree—no need to keep asking.”

The Trump legal team has since requested that the declaration be accepted via emoji, offering both the thumbs up and the ghost emoji as proof the fund is now ‘history.’