LONDON—In a landmark ruling this week, a British judge determined that Prince Harry, Elton John, Liz Hurley, and other famous claimants failed to prove that tabloid journalists used anything other than ‘brilliant supernatural intuition’ to unearth their most personal secrets. In his 436-page judgment, Mr Justice Nicklin concluded that the Mail’s reporters simply ‘sensed’ details about the celebrities’ lives through what legal experts are now calling ‘good old-fashioned nosey magic.’

‘We must accept that some reporters are just born with an uncanny knack for guessing the exact contents of a private voicemail,’ wrote Mr Justice Nicklin, who dismissed the possibility that technological hacking was involved. ‘Perhaps their noses just tingle whenever a rich person books a therapist.’

Associated Newspapers immediately hailed the verdict as a victory for investigative journalism and mystical foresight. ‘Our commitment to ethical newsgathering is matched only by our staff’s raw psychic power,’ said Mail spokesperson Timmy Foresight. ‘Liz Hurley’s dog groomer’s gym schedule simply came to us in a dream.’

Plaintiff Sadie Frost expressed disappointment in the ruling, stating, ‘I really thought the 200 pages of my shredded diaries turning up at the Mail office in a puff of smoke would be enough, but apparently they just materialized there by chance.’ Meanwhile, Elton John announced he would be enrolling in Hogwarts to improve his own clairvoyant skills for future legal battles.

Legal analysts believe the verdict sets a precedent for future privacy cases, with courts expected to consider whether journalists received their information via Ouija board or simply from a very chatty barista.