CANBERRA – In a bold initiative hailed by property investors and real estate agents alike, the Labor government has signaled its intention to reform Australia’s long-standing capital gains tax discount, but only after ensuring that all current homeowners have adequate time to purchase a third investment property for their chihuahuas.

A recent Greens-led parliamentary inquiry found that the 50% capital gains tax discount introduced in the Howard era has contributed to intergenerational inequality, with houses increasingly being purchased by investors and left entirely uninhabited except for the occasional Instagram photoshoot. The report suggested that unless urgent action is taken, by 2040 the only Australians living in homes will be investment portfolios.

“Look, we’re committed to making sure young people can at least afford to visit houses on weekends, preferably with a paying adult,” said Treasurer Jim Chalmers, adding, “We owe it to future generations to restore the Australian dream of renting the same house for 75 years.”

Investor and part-time yoga instructor Brenda McRichmond expressed concern: “I bought seven houses in 2003 because the tax was so low—it would be absolutely devastating if my decorative property empire were taxed at a normal rate. Where will my pugs summer?”

Renowned economist Sir Lionel Bricksworth, meanwhile, said the government was acting too rashly: “If we start taxing capital gains like regular income, next thing you know, children will expect to inherit something more than artisanal avocado toast recipes.”

A spokesperson for the Real Estate Optimists Association welcomed the move, stating, “Anything that allows us to print more housing market graphs on glossy paper is good for the national psyche. If we make housing accessible, what will people talk about at BBQs?”