WASHINGTON—In a move described by historians as “the most aggressively conditional love since Christmas at the Trump household,” former President Donald Trump warned Monday that any lawmaker who votes against the proposed Save America Voter ID Act will be subject to “eternal political retribution” and will “never (ever!) receive the most coveted prize in American politics: a Trump endorsement, or even a Mar-a-Lago lunch invite.”

“Anyone who stands in the way of this bill can look forward to wandering the electoral wilderness like a loser, haunted by the ghost of my endorsement for all time,” Trump wrote on Truth Social, attaching a GIF of himself menacingly eating a taco bowl. “I will personally write ‘Sad!’ on your campaign yard signs.”

Senator Ron Boltbluff (R-KY), who reportedly received three threatening voicemails and a basket of expired Trump Steaks, seemed shaken. “He told me if I vote no, he’ll endorse my opponent, my neighbor’s dog, or possibly even a rusty mailbox. I’m not sure I can risk it,” Boltbluff confided, clutching his limited edition MAGA golf visor for comfort.

Political analyst Patsy Freelunch, author of ‘The Art of the Veiled Threat’, noted, “We’ve never seen a former president wield the specter of lukewarm endorsements with such ferocity. Lawmakers are terrified—especially the ones still waiting for RSVPs to Tiffany Trump’s wedding.”

Democratic Senator Leah Canvass (D-NY) responded, “Our democracy will survive. I just wish he’d stop sending cease-and-desist letters in the mail every morning with glitter bombs.”

As the Save America Act heads to the Senate floor, experts say the fate of American democracy now hinges on whether legislators value electoral integrity, or the chance for a coveted selfie with Trump in a gold-plated elevator.