LOS ANGELES—Probate Court concluded a 10-day journey through the mystical labyrinth of Leonard Cohen’s finances Thursday, clearing longtime manager Robert Kory of any and all wrongdoing, mostly because, according to jurors, “nobody really understood what was going on.”
“After listening to 42 hours of testimony about royalties, trusts, and something about ‘Suzanne taking half the bread,’ it became apparent that only Cohen himself could unravel this,” said juror Steve Feldman, who admitted he eventually just started reading the lyrics to ‘Hallelujah’ in his notebook. “By day seven, we just started chanting ‘Tower of Song’ and hoping for enlightenment.”
Cohen’s children, Adam and Lorca, had accused Kory of mismanaging the estate, but were forced to retract once it was revealed that Cohen’s will was written in a 42-page poem, sealed with a lock of his hair. “My father always said, ‘Everybody knows that the dice are loaded.’ Turns out, so was his estate plan,” Adam Cohen said, donning a monocle for emphasis.
Kory, for his part, celebrated the verdict by releasing a 36-minute spoken-word explainer about compound interest, backed by subtle fingerpicking. “I’m just relieved,” Kory stated. “For a moment, I thought I’d have to rhyme ‘fiduciary duty’ with ‘Suzanne’.”
Legal experts estimate Cohen’s will may finally be interpreted by 2084, or whenever someone finds the last missing verse.

