HOLLYWOOD, FL—A 79-year-old man’s campaign for neighborhood wellness took an unexpected detour Thursday after authorities arrested Ronald “Razzle Dazzle” Greenberg, clad in nothing but a lime-green thong and orthopedic sneakers, for alleged indecent exposure during his morning constitutional through the Sandalwood Gardens apartment complex.

According to police reports, Greenberg was “just about to reach his fitness climax” when Officer Daisy Morales approached the nearly-nude septuagenarian. Morales states, “I asked him to cover up, and he just locked eyes with me and said, ‘Jump rope for me, baby doll.’ That’s not covered in police training.”

Neighbors say Greenberg had been the centerpiece of local curiosity since January, with sightings of his thong-clad physique increasing alongside complaints. “I didn’t know whether to avert my eyes or salute the flag,” remarked resident Barb Kingsley. “He’s got more confidence than any man born after 1955.”

Despite protestations, Greenberg remained resolute. “Listen, the youth these days need role models with stamina,” he told reporters outside the Broward County Jail. “Back in my day, this was how we got our vitamin D. And a date.”

Property manager Larry Finchley says complex rules are clear: “Our dress code simply asks that residents wear at least 16% more fabric than a standard shoelace. Mr. Greenberg treats that as more of a suggestion.” Residents remain divided, with some calling him a menace, and others calling him ‘the only reason to open their blinds before noon.’