BROOKLYN, NY—In a bold public service announcement this Monday, The Verge editors released an urgent list of 14,000 albums, films, and books they insist readers must experience immediately or run the risk of remaining spiritually comatose. The selections, painstakingly curated by staff who ‘listen to 400 hours of music before breakfast,’ range from a lost Bulgarian jazz tape only playable during lunar eclipses to a treatise on cosmic boredom available exclusively in Morse code.

“I just want everyone to know about the post-proto-pre-punk band, Cabbage Dentist, and their 1982 album ‘Soggy Reverie,'” said culture editor Kyra Blint, skimming a spreadsheet titled ‘Things You Aren’t Cool Enough To Know Yet.’ “If you haven’t listened to their 14-minute flute solo, can you even say you exist?”

Readers attempting to keep up complain the outlet’s recommendations outpace the human lifespan. “I tried listening to Mandy, Indiana’s new album while muting M83’s icy post-rock, then reading ‘Our Share of Night’ with one eye and ‘The Ballad of Black Tom’ with the other,” said subscriber Dave Larton. “Now my Spotify Wrapped is just static and eldritch whispers.”

The Verge advises readers to consult their doctor before attempting to follow the latest list, as several entries reportedly cause “existential vertigo” when consumed back-to-back. “Don’t worry, next week we’ll have even more hidden gems you’ll feel guilty for never loving,” added Blint. “Art is infinite, and your attention span is our playground.”