BAR HARBOR, ME—Pausing briefly from oyster farming and democracy farming, Democratic U.S. Senate hopeful Graham Platner addressed persistent allegations of physical intimidation Friday, telling supporters he is “only intimidating when strictly necessary to defend the Constitution, harvest shellfish, or secure a good seat at Red’s Eats.”

Platner, 43, a former Marine and current self-proclaimed ‘people’s barnacle’, delivered his remarks at The Lobster Pot diner, surrounded by yard signs declaring ‘Platner 2024: Shuck the System’. Brushing off a fresh New York Times exposé quoting three former romantic partners who described ‘disturbingly assertive hugs’, Platner called the reports “just another attack by Big Softness and the cuddle industrial complex.”

“My opponents are desperately weaponizing my dominant handshake and forceful eye contact,” Platner insisted. “Maine can count on me to bring the same level of intensity to the Senate floor that I bring to oyster shucking: firm, relentless, and always a little damp.”

Supporters were quick to rally. “I’ve never felt physically intimidated by Graham,” said campaign volunteer Sheila Crump, nervously glancing at Platner’s shadow looming behind her. “Not even when he insisted I say the Pledge of Allegiance at knifepoint.”

Rival candidate Tom Fennelly condemned Platner, but added, “Honestly, I’m just relieved he isn’t running my book club anymore.”

Local voter Carl ‘Smokey’ Daniels put it plainly: “After years of watching politicians get nothing done, maybe it’s time we sent someone to Congress who can, I dunno, stare down Mitch McConnell until something happens.”