CHICAGO — After years of backyard feuding, Roger Dahle, the now-supreme CEO of Weber Blackstone, has consolidated American grilling under one spatula, announcing plans to merge not only two legendary grill companies, but the entire concept of ‘outdoor cooking’ itself.

“I didn’t set out to monopolize the charcoal-industrial complex,” Dahle told reporters, cleaning grease off a PowerPoint remote with a basting brush. “But when you see an opening—like Weber’s stock price after three CEO turnovers in six months—you’ve got to seize the tongs.”

Industry experts agree the merger marks a new era of vertical integration for grilling. “Soon, if you want to make a hamburger, you’ll need an authorized Weber-Blackstone spatula, and if you want a hot dog, you’ll need to download four new loyalty apps and connect your grill to WiFi,” said backyard economist Bernice Haverly, grilling a single sad zucchini on her patio. “Frankly, I’m just glad my husband will have to read three privacy agreements before burning another sausage.”

Weber insiders say Dahle has already begun streamlining company culture. “He walked in and told everyone to pick up their own trash, then merged the gas grill and griddle teams into a single, high-performance ‘GrillOps Unit,'” revealed one anxious former Kettle Division silo manager. “We haven’t seen the janitor in weeks.”

Dahle denied allegations of grilling monopoly, adding, “Consumers are still free to buy their off-brand ‘FireChef’ griddles on Amazon—assuming they’re willing to risk total grilling humiliation at the next HOA cookout.”

Meanwhile, Blackstone’s influencer squad, The Griddle Crew, announced a new TikTok series: “Cooking with Corporate Synergy: Smashburgers and Stock Buybacks.”