In what experts are calling ‘a probable sign of the end times,’ Manchester United stunned Liverpool 3-2 to guarantee Champions League football next year—an outcome previously considered less likely than Old Trafford beer taps serving good lager.

Kobbie Mainoo’s late winner sent United fans into a state of shock, joy, and mild existential confusion. “I haven’t seen anything this improbable since David Moyes was given a six-year contract,” admitted lifelong supporter Gary Fellowes, who spent the last five minutes of stoppage time Googling ‘CERN Large Hadron Collider, timeline disruptions, Manchester.’

Liverpool, who had clawed back from two goals down, are reportedly considering a formal complaint with the Premier League’s ‘Narrative Department,’ claiming the script was unfairly altered for dramatic effect. “We know the rules: Liverpool always scores late. This—this is not in the canon,” fumed The Kop’s official emotional support animal.

On social media, Arsenal fans have demanded a stewards’ inquiry into the sudden competence displayed by United’s backline. “We’re just wondering if it’s allowed, morally or otherwise, for Harry Maguire to have spatial awareness,” said Gunners fan Emma Trundle, clutching a spreadsheet of defensive errors dating back to 2018.

United manager Erik ten Hag, meanwhile, remained humble in victory, telling reporters, “We simply asked the lads to turn up and, against all odds, most of them did. That’s modern football—a real Roll the Dice League.”

The footballing world waits with bated breath to see if next season will bring further miracles, or if United fans will wake up and discover this was just another glitch in Football Manager 2024.